How To Eat Me Out

Labelled diagram of the vulva, showing the clitoris, outer and inner labia, urethra, vaginal opening, perineum and anus.

When I first start to see someone on a sexy and/or romantic basis, I usually find a way to drop into the conversation that I don’t like to be eaten out. It’s not a lie, as such; if you were to graph my enjoyment when receiving cunnilingus, you’d find that, statistically speaking, I don’t like to be eaten out, because most people don’t know quite how to eat me out.

But there are outliers in most data sets, and my cunnilingus experiences are no exception. I tell people I don’t like to be eaten out all that much because the amount of effort I expend on explaining my preferences doesn’t usually yield worthwhile results. In other words, some people are bad listeners in bed.

But the people who are good listeners do such a bang-up job, regardless of their experience (or lack thereof), that I feel like I should give them a chance. I wanted to write something about how I do like to be eaten out, so that I have a list of tips to hand when somebody is kind enough to ask, and to illustrate to my fellow vulva-havers that everybody has preferences and it’s okay to be bossy about them. You could use this article as a jumping-off point in considering your own tastes, or as a means to communicate with a partner about things they could try doing differently or aspects of cunnilingus the two (or more) of you haven’t yet considered.

So, step one: do not suck on my clit.

I know some people love this. And I might love it too, except that I haven’t allowed anyone to try it on me since one ill-fated hookup wherein my partner made me feel like I’d trapped my bits in a vacuum cleaner. So now, to avoid spooking me, if you must suck on my clit, do it so delicately I don’t notice – more suction-y kisses, and less trying to slurp jelly from a plate.

(We often tell people, especially those with penises, that the clitoris is biologically homologous (basically, very similar) to the penis. And that’s true, and I understand we’re trying to demystify the clit and remind people that we’re not all that dissimilar, regardless of the arrangement of our bits. But people with penises don’t always seem to take into account that the nerve endings on a clit are super densely packed in there and super duper sensitive, so sucking on it like you’re trying to extract snake venom is painful. You could, at the very least, ask, “Do you like having this sucked on?” in a sexy, breathy voice, or start gentle and see how your partner responds. Please, I implore you, do not suck it like you would a helium balloon for your excellent Alvin And The Chipmunks impressions.)

Step two: actually, calm down about my clit altogether.

Like, sure, acknowledge its presence. Say hello with your tongue. But spend the majority of your time, at least at first, kissing and licking my thighs, labia majora and mons pubis. (You can easily find diagrams of where these bits are by searching for “vulva diagram”.) Toothlessly (very toothlessly!) close your mouth around my clit with the clitoral hood still shielding it. It’s a good idea to ask before you move my clitoral hood, because I might not be ready for intense, direct clitoral stimulation just yet. Sometimes I’ll even put a hand on my own mons pubis and tug upwards, exposing my clitoris a little for you, when I’m feeling eager to have it licked. Pay attention.

Step three: please drool. And slobber. And salivate.

Dry tongues are not my favourite. They might be yours, and that’s cool, but certain kinds of friction give me such Bad Autism™ that I feel as though I might retch. (And retching is, in my world, reserved for a certain kind of blowjob, not for receiving cunnilingus.) Get your lips and tongue saturated with moisture any way you know how and keep it that way. I always have flavoured lube somewhere, so if you need some to maintain the layer of wetness that separates my genitals from sensory hell, feel free to ask. Also, if you make eye contact with me and lick your lips to indicate you’re enjoying having your face in my cunt, I will melt. Just so you know.

Step four: consider using toys.

You might feel that using toys constitutes “giving up” or indicates that you’re not doing a thorough enough job. However, I find that the opposite is true: using toys means you’re prepared to do a really thorough job, and you’re prepared to do it well. Sticking something steel and curved into my cunt will stimulate my A-spot, which allows you to focus almost entirely on eating me out. Slipping a well-lubed plug into my butt means you can gently lick, kiss and massage my vulvovaginal bits… and then surprise me by wiggling the plug. Or tapping its base. Or making it vibrate.

Eating with cutlery doesn’t mean you’ve given up on eating; it means you’ve found a more straightforward and enjoyable way to do it. Similarly, eating me out with toys in the mix doesn’t mean you’ve given up on eating me out. And I promise you, if you pay attention and do as your partner asks, no toys will fully distract from the human, wet, messy, delightful process of you eating them out. The toys might enhance it, but their thoughts won’t drift from the sensation of your mouth on their bits. I guarantee it.

Smut Saturdays #14: Through The Window (Part 2)

A window with beige curtains. It looks unassuming, but it's the focal point of this stalking smut, as you'll know if you read part 1.

This is part two of a story I started a few weeks ago, a hot piece of stalking smut that I’m quite proud of; part one is available here. It mentions stalking (naturally) and blood, but most of it is just filth. Enjoy!

I can’t parse how much of it is because he’s genuinely sort of cute, obviously thoughtful, whip-smart and witty via text… and how much of it is the turn-on of being wanted this badly. His eyes never leave my face. And he still has that doe-eyed, terrified look about him, a palable vulnerability that makes me want to hug him tightly and stroke his hair.

I don’t dare, though, but I do try to soothe some of his anxiety verbally: “Ant?” My voice is as soft as I can make it. “It’s okay about the blood. You don’t need to be worried about that. I thought it was… sweet, if kinda out there.”

His shoulders visibly fall several relaxed inches and he smiles. “Really?”

“Really. I’ve never had anyone gift me their own blood before. And the little vial you put it in, with the cork, that was a really cute touch.”

He finally looks away from me, down to his hands, and even my autistic ass can sense that he’s embarrassed. “I’m glad you liked it.”

“I don’t need any more of it, though,” I say hurriedly. “One vial is enough. I want the rest of your blood inside you.”

His gaze jerks up to my face again and he nods solemnly. “Anything you say, Morgan.”

It makes me feel all kinds of weird when he says my name.

“Can I get you a drink of anything? I don’t have milk in, but I’ve got some instant coffee, and orange squash…”

Ant shakes his head, his fringe tickling his eyes. His hair is long-ish and wavy, and I don’t mean to psychoanalyse him, but he styles it like he’s trying to hide behind it. Even if we had properly met at uni, I don’t imagine I’d have remembered him. He shrinks into himself, and seems entirely ordinary.

Except I have a vial of his blood in my coat pocket, which would suggest otherwise.

“You sure?” I press. “I think I’ve got some biscuits, too.”

“I’m good.”

The silence that follows isn’t awkward so much as suffocating. I don’t know if he knows that my cunt is tingling with want. I don’t know whether I want him to know, either.

The confusion and hesitation and shyness I feel when I fancy somebody I probably shouldn’t is delicious, though I’ll never admit that at the time. I’m never a particularly composed person, but there are no metaphors that are adequate to describe the squishy mess I become when I’m crushing on somebody I could have, but know I should steer clear from. I have enough experience with this feeling to know that I’m feeling it now, almost nauseous but in a bizarrely pleasant sort of way, so full of lust and fondness and inner conflict that I feel like I could crawl right out of my own skin.

I also have enough experience with this feeling to know that I have never once managed to resist it whilst alone with the person it’s about.

“Ant,” I begin slowly, “I feel like you should know that I do actually, y’know, fancy you.”

His face barely changes. “I know. Your body language gives that away.”

As a big ol’ autistic who can barely read the most obvious body language cues, let alone control the ones I give myself, I am a little taken aback. I continue talking regardless: “I’m just not sure how, you know, sensible it would be to do stuff with you. Because I’ve only met you twice, and you’re obviously very, very into me, and -”

“It wouldn’t be unethical to fuck me just because I’m a bit obsessed with you,” he interjects. How did he know that was my main concern? “I’m still capable of consenting. I can think clearly. I don’t need to say ‘yes’ to things that fall outside of my comfort zone, because you’re not monogamous – you can get those things elsewhere.”

I know people who are absolutely out of their minds with lust can still consent and set boundaries. I have been there. “What is out of your comfort zone?” I try to sound like I’m just making conversation, but I know it doesn’t work.

“I don’t have a sadistic bone in my body, so I wouldn’t want to hurt you. I have no interest in sounding, and scat and vomit are hard ‘no’s. Apart from that, I’m easy.”

He gives me a sly half-grin, and all of a sudden I feel easy too.

Like an idiot, I keep talking. “Do you have any feelings about, like, bedroom power exchange?”

He leans forward, and for the first time I see something other than timidness and awe in his eyes as he looks at me. I can only compare it to bloodthirst. “Morgan, I want you to own me. Inside the bedroom and outside of it, I want you to tell me what to do, where to be, whether I’m allowed to talk. I want to be your most treasured possession. I want to make myself irreplaceable to you.”

Oh. Fuck. My brain is moving at half-speed. My heartbeat is picking up the slack, though, and I can still feel it in my cunt. “I see.” I’m all but chewing on my tongue, trying not to say any of what’s on my mind. “I mean… we should probably spend some more time getting to know each oth-”

“I know everything about you.” He inches his chair closer and I have to move my knees to accommodate his. “And I’ll tell you everything about me. I’ve already waited so long for you, Morgan.”

I want to tell him he’s scaring me, but I also don’t want him to stop.

“Give me an hour,” he continues. “Just an hour to show you how well I know you and how much fun I could be to own. Let me show you, and then you can decide whether you want me.”

Out of a sense of obligation, I put up one final bit of resistance: “What if I decide I don’t want you?”

“Then I’ll leave, but I’ll keep trying. I’ll do anything to deserve you.” He reaches out, slowly, to give me a chance to stop him – but I don’t, and he takes hold of one of my hands in both of his. “You can tell me to leave now, if you want to, but I want to prove myself to you. And I want to make you feel good. I know you’ve had a long day…” He studies my face again, then looks back down to our hands as he says the last word. “Sir.”

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

I lean forwards too, shrinking the gap between our faces. I lock eyes with him. “You shouldn’t have said that,” I whisper, letting my own lips curve into a devious smile.

I press my lips against his, hard, and tilt my head. He kisses me back, hungrily, and squeezes my hand in his.

When I pull back, he all but growls: “And you shouldn’t have done that.”

His hand is on the back of my neck, and then his lips are on mine again, and my mind is blissfully blank. I have no thoughts, no worries, and I’m just falling into this irresistible, forceful kiss, barely able to get close enough to Ant.

I pull back again, and his eyes are like a kicked puppy’s. “Don’t pout,” I say sternly. I stand up, tuck my chair in, and point to the bed. “Shoes off first.”

He kicks off his shoes and gets onto the bed within seconds, leaving me to tease the double bow of my own bootlaces apart with my disabled fingers. Usually I’m a smidge embarrassed by how much I struggle to get my boots off, but watching Ant pine for me in my peripheral vision whilst I slowly, methodically loosen my laces and wiggle my right foot free from my boot is delicious. I make a point to carefully place my right boot in its place at the bottom of my wardrobe and line it up as neatly as possible before starting on my left one.

Once my feet are bare too, I sit on the edge of my bed, about two hand spans away from Ant. He’s still just staring at me, obviously rendered as stupid by lust as I am. I spend a few moments trying to come up with some genius domly shit to do to him, or to order him to do to me – but then I remember that the point of being in charge of a scene is that you get what you want (within the negotiated boundaries, of course) so I fuck that off and just start kissing him again. They’re the kind of desperate, dizzying kisses that make it impossible to stay static, so we end up with our legs tangled together, my arm pulling his waist into me with all the strength I can muster, his hand on the back of my neck again like he’s scared I’ll run off otherwise. Our tongues meet, but his is shyer than mine. Every few moments (time is now a sticky and insignificant mess) I bite down on his lower lip and he makes a whimpering noise that causes me to grind against his upper thigh, just a little.

Eventually, greed gets the better of me and I pull away to yank my T-shirt over my head. I’m in a deodorant-stained sports bra, but the way Ant stares, you’d think I was in the very best lingerie. I’m too incoherent to give instructions, so I just point vaguely at Ant’s own T-shirt; he gets the idea, thankfully, and pulls it off, emerging with tousled hair. He’s lanky, with very little muscle, but what really catches my attention is his brown-ish, erect nipples.

I lock my mouth around one and he melts.

I’m not sure if it’s the fact that he’s obsessed with me or whether he’s just very responsive, but his arms go slack. He leans against the wall and moans as I flick my tongue back and forth across his right nipple. I do what seems like the only sensible thing, and lift my hand to caress and pinch the left one. Ant whines, so I pause, but he clamps his hand over the one of mine that’s on his chest and gasps, “Please don’t stop, Sir, fuck…”

It only takes me about a minute of playing with his nipples to form the educated guess that it might well make him come in his pants. I weigh up the pros and cons of this – I love the sight of cum-soaked underwear, and it would be so goddamn hot, and the fucking noises he’d make; but I also want to interact with his cock, and I’d have to wait for it to recover, and I don’t know the approximate length of Ant’s refractory period – whilst I close my teeth gently around the puckered flesh of his right nipple.

I decide against letting him come this early and pull away. (The look he gives me would be guilt-inducing if I weren’t fully in my dominant stride.) “Ant, take my trousers off for me.”

He nods and reaches for my waistband – I’m only in leggings, so he’s able to tug them down and past my ankles with ease. He still has that look in his eye like he’s starving, and it occurs to me that his restraint could run out soon and he could just…

But then my leggings are off and I stroke his hair, and his face softens a little. I didn’t really understand what it was for someone to be “putty in my hands” until this moment, I think dimly, as I kiss him again. He reciprocates, his naked torso pressed against my nearly-naked one, and his hand very shyly slips up to lock around my left boob. He massages it with the desperate clumsiness of a teenager. I do him the favour of unclasping my bra and discarding it, and he strokes and twiddles my nipple so gently, by contrast to the groping, that I almost giggle into the kiss we’re sharing.

Again, it’s me that pulls back. I get the impression that he’d make out with me for literal days if I didn’t put the brakes on. “I believe you had something to prove,” I say, before letting my eyes slide suggestively down to my underwear.

“Yes, Sir.” He doesn’t look nervous, like I was expecting him too. Instead he’s got that hungry look about him again, and he fluidly moves down my mattress and slides my pants down my legs. “Do you have any preference about, um…”

I give him what I hope is a condescending smirk and say, “Surprise me.”

It doesn’t come as a surprise, actually, when he plants his face into my vulva. I literally can’t imagine presenting him with my naked cunt and him wanting to do anything other than get his tongue on it, and it seems I’m right – he’s dragging his tongue slowly all the way up the slit, keeping south of my clit presumably because he doesn’t want to get ahead of himself when I might not be adequately warmed up.

Except I am warmed up; kissing Ant and toying with him has made me so fucking wet that I’m fully expecting to find a wet patch when I get up. I know without looking or touching that my labia are puffed up, swollen with want, and my clit is achingly hard. So, pushing the edges of my dominant persona a little, I say, “Do you want a map to my clit, or shall I just read you the directions?”

“I didn’t want to be too rushed when -”

“I know better than you.” I’m watching his face for any sign he’s genuinely hurt, but he just seems elated to be between my legs. “Further north.”

He nods. “Yes, Sir.” Then he places his lips around my clit and starts running his tongue up and down it. It’s a type of stimulation so direct that I can only handle it sometimes, and have to be incredibly aroused for it – but in this moment, it’s perfect. I tilt my head back a little and take a deep breath. “Would you like anything inside of you, Sir?”

“Two fingers,” I say breathlessly. He does as he’s told, and sinks them into me all the way to the last knuckle, curling them up a little in search of my A-spot. His fingers are broad, and they stretch me open without hurting me. And I have to assume he’s read my blog, because he starts to fuck me with them so firmly and consistently that, combined with his tongue on my clit, my legs start to shake. I’m minutes away from coming, if that.

He must somehow know that too, because he looks up from between my legs. “I want to make you come,” he growls. “I want to feel your cunt twitch around my fingers, I want to hear the sounds you make, I want to make you feel so good that you can’t think straight -”

Fuck,” I hiss involuntarily, grabbing a handful of bedsheet. “Harder.”

He obeys, relentlessly massaging my A-spot with his fingertips, and I can feel an orgasm mounting in my abdomen and in my feet (a weird quirk of mine, but not terribly rare as far as I can tell). I can’t stop myself from grinding my hips against his hand, and he continues talking (“I want you to wail, I want your neighbours to know how much I like you and how well I know you, I want you to come so hard that you feel aftershocks for half an hour”) until I grab a fistful of his hair and make a series of unintelligible noises that I hope will communicate to him that I’m going to come.

“Fuck,” he whispers against my mons pubis, as I convulse and twist the handful of his hair that seems to be the only thing tethering me to reality as an orgasm rips through me. “Fuck, Morgan, you’re perfect. Fuck.”

The soles of my feet burn as every bit of tension leaves my body through my twitching cunt. Ant is staring at my face in amazement. I let go of his hair and take deep breath after deep breath, struggling to regain my composure. My cunt, my upper thighs and probably my bed are soaked with wetness and all I can feel is a sort of pleasant ringing between my legs.

Eventually, Ant withdraws his hand, and without my even having to suggest it, he starts licking his fingers clean. It’s one of the hottest things I think a person can do with a cum-drenched hand, and he doesn’t break eye contact as he slips both fingers all the way into his mouth.


I manage to sit up. I still can’t think straight. I think vaguely of Ant’s cock and say, with minimal slurring, “Do you want to come?”

“If I try to fuck you, I’ll come within moments and be embarrassed about it.” I don’t have the brain power to notify him that I have some intense kink feelings about premature ejaculation in exactly this context. “But if you want to watch me make myself come…”

I nod enthusiastically, and he undoes his jeans. His cock is already rock-solid and straining against the fabric of his underwear, a dark patch indicating that he’s been leaking pre-ejaculate for some time. Oh, to have that in my mouth… But, given the circumstances, I want to let him set the pace for this section of the encounter.

He pulls his cock out of his pants. It’s fully erect, of course, and glistening at its head. I’m too lustdrunk to get any sort of realistic idea of how big it is; it just looks perfect.

It continues to look perfect as he strokes it in short, fluid movements, the motion of his foreskin bordering on hypnotic. I can’t look away from it, even though I wish I could see his face. He leans back, and within moments his hand is moving faster, his grip seems tighter, and then –

“Oh, god.” A stream of cum paints his stomach, followed by two heavy drips. “Oh, Jesus, Morgan…”

I let out a sigh. “Well, what are we gonna do with all this?” He looks at me blankly, obviously incapable of complex thought so soon after coming. “Someone’s gonna have to clean it up…”

As I start licking it up, he asks (with his voice thick and slow), “Did I do good, Sir?”

“Hmm, you did pretty good, but I think you could do more to impress me…”

I was going to withhold my approval until my cunt was too bruised for me to sit on hard chairs. And I knew Ant was going to love every moment of it.

Every fourth Saturday (mental health and life permitting, of course), I’ll be posting filth like this stalking smut for your wanking enjoyment! Got a suggestion for some smut? Hit me up on Twitter or use my Contact form!

Smut Saturdays #10: Eating Her Out

Image is of several slices of an orange citrus fruit, intended as a euphemistic representation of a vulva.

Every fourth Saturday, I’ll be posting erotica I’ve written, based loosely on my own real life experiences or fantasies, for your wanking enjoyment. They’ll all be under the category ‘Smut Saturdays’ and if you’ve got any feedback or requests for smut scenarios, put ‘em in the comments or hit me up on Twitter @KinkyAutistic!

It has been months since I’ve had my mouth on a vulva.

The reasons for this are manifold, and are irrelevant to this blog post. All you need to know, reader, is that this lack of pussy-eating is not due to a lack of inclination on my part. I have not lost my zeal for cunnilingus one bit. I think about it at least bi-weekly, and imagining burying my face between a girl’s legs makes my bi knees very weak indeed.

…I’ll show myself out.

In the absence of an eager cunt to put my tongue on, but in the presence (for once) of my own spoons, arousal and sustained attention span, I thought I could feature some of my cunnilingus-related thoughts in a Smut Saturdays piece for y’all to enjoy in depth. You know, like thoughts about how badly I’d like to tie a pretty girl’s wrists to a bedframe or somesuch so her arms were above her head. Maybe I would tie her ankles down too, for good measure – as far from one another as would be comfortable, so her legs lay spread and, by extension, so did her cunt.

I’ve been thinking about how I’d kiss her neck, then her lips, then her collarbone, hovering over her and in absolute control. I’d probably stay fully clothed, in contrast to her stark nudity, just to remind her how naked she was. And I’d close one hand gently around one of her tits, holding it steady so that I could guide her hardening nipple into my mouth, whilst my other hand lazily explored the curve of her waist that led into her hip.

If she were kinkily inclined, I might bite at her tits, leaving bruises on the velvet-soft underside of each of them so she could wear low-cut tops without revealing the imprints of my teeth, but she would be reminded of them whenever she adjusted her bra. Maybe I’d also press my nails into her skin, starting at her sternum and running all the way down her belly, leaving four raised red lines that stop just short of her mons pubis. And I imagine that, by this point, her mons pubis would be raised as a result of her lifting her arse and hips up just a few millimeters – a desperate hint that she wanted me to eat her out, and soon.

I’d ignore it. Instead, I’d run both hands from her midriff to her hips, pin them to the bed, and sink my teeth into her firm-but-yielding thigh. She would squeak, and writhe, and tell me, “It hurts!” in a petulant wail – but when I made eye contact with her, she’d mouth the word, “Green,” as a signal for me to continue. So then, of course, I would bite the other thigh, slightly harder than the first, and slightly closer to the tenderest skin of her innermost thigh – which is also, of course, closer to her cunt itself. I’d suck a little bit on the section of thigh I held between my teeth, drawing blood to the surface to encourage it to bruise. She would be whimpering and twitching, pulling against the rope around her ankles in an attempt to push her cunt closer to my face. I would probably look up at her with my teeth still digging into her skin and quirk an eyebrow at her, as if to ask: What’s wrong, baby?

As if I didn’t already know.

Finally, though, temptation would overcome me too. I would know – maybe I’d even see – that the sustained biting and teasing had rendered her pussy slick and swollen, her usually-hidden clit engorged and poking shyly out of its hood. As I let my head drift closer to the space between her legs, I’d be able to smell the hot, human essence of her, and I’d lean into it, my mouth so close to her clit that she could feel the warmth of my breath. I wouldn’t be able to hold off any longer, and I’d let my lips touch her labia.

I would, of course, start off agonisingly slowly. I’d close my lips around her clitoris, kissing it slowly, and then I’d move further south, kissing the markedly less sensitive area between her clit and the opening of her cunt, savouring the taste of the thick wetness that my teasing had resulted in (as well as savouring my own smug sense of accomplishment about that). She’d pout a little at the removal of my mouth from her clit, so I’d drag my tongue back upwards and start running it up and down, gentle and broad, over her clit.

Over time, I would get more purposeful. I’d press my tongue a little more firmly into her vulva, focusing my attention more on her clit than on anything else; I would flex the muscles of my tongue so that I could deliver more pinpoint stimulation, finding the spot in the top-left quadrant of her clit that made her swear and grind her hips against my tongue; I’d place my hand flat on her mons pubis and pull upwards, just a little, to encourage her clitoral hood away from the erect knot of the external clitoris itself. I wouldn’t distract her with internal stimulation (this time, anyway), instead focusing solely on her clit and the swollen tissues around it.

And, after several delicious minutes of drawing asterisks and circles on her clit with my tongue, she would gasp, “Fuck, I think I’m gonna -”

And she would shake, and her mouth would open for a series of sounds that were ascending in both pitch and volume: “Ah, ah, ah, ah, ahhhh!” and I would be there, between her legs, slowing down the movements of my tongue as she came all over it.

Then I’d withdraw, and she would look up at me with huge, oxytocin-flooded eyes and freshly-bruised tits, and I’d kiss her lips – the ones on her face this time – and ask softly what she’d like to do next.