How To Seduce Yourself

Some red rose petals scattered across a white background, all romantic-like

I want to teach you guys how to seduce yourselves because the other day, I had the loveliest wank.

“Lovely” isn’t a word often used to describe wanks, because usually wanks are “sneaky” or “hot” or “dirty” or “rushed”. And all of those things can be enjoyable too, but this wank wasn’t primarily any of those. It was primarily lovely.

I’ve been coming off some medication that gave me hellishly bad restless legs, so I’ve been smoking weed to ease both the legs thing and the transition onto my new medication. This is relevant because Stoned Morgan, unlike Regular Morgan, actually likes being Morgan. They like being alive, they like experiencing sensory inputs and they like, well, wanking. The idea to have a stoned wank was not new to me, but as I was coming inside and shutting the back door after getting blazed, I resolved to have a nice wank. I took the last of the Nutella upstairs with me, with a teaspoon, and I took plenty of time making sure the toys I wanted were within arms’ reach and my trousers were not within leg-tangling reach. I played music. It was lovely.

How can you replicate this sort of loveliness in your own wanks? Well, it’s easy! You need to learn how to seduce yourself. Grabbing aftercare Nutella and taking my trousers off might not sound like seduction, but allow me to explain myself in the following four handy tips!

1. Take your time.

I love a quick, get-the-job-done wank as much as anybody, but sometimes the art of seduction requires a little extra time. There’s something uniquely peaceful about the moments you spend delicately exploring your labia before you touch your clit, or fluttering your fingertips along your shaft before you grab it. Don’t make it uncomfortable, though – if you’re just lying there, bored, thinking, “Why did Morgan tell me to wank in slow motion?” then by all means, speed things up! This is about your enjoyment, so take as much or as little time as you need.

2. Tailor your environment.

I’m not a porn person (largely because I cannot afford it, and refuse to steal from sex workers), but wanking in silence feels weird and uncomfortable – so, before my recent self-seduction, I slapped some tunes on via Spotify on my phone. You don’t need a special playlist of smooth jazz, or even anything overtly sexy; you just need to be relaxed, and happy to be in the space you’re in. For some people, this means pink mood lighting, and for others, it means sweeping the dirty laundry off the bed so you can lie down. However it looks for you, make sure you take the time to do it – it really does make a difference.

3. Take care of yourself afterwards.

Not only will performing self-aftercare teach your brain, over time, that wanking is an extra-nice hobby to have because it leads to chocolate and snuggles afterwards, but it’ll also put you in the right frame of mind for your lovely-wank endeavours. Bringing a jar of Nutella into bed with me was essentially me saying to myself, “I am a person who deserves nice things,” which made it all the easier to relax into the pleasant sensation of having my clit hammered by a Doxy wand – after all, I deserved it!

4. Make noises.

This one isn’t always possible for people who live with others, but when it is, fucking go for it! Make loud noises, make weird noises, make noises that make you think of that one boyfriend who told you that you sounded like a dying baby seal – just open up your throat and see what noises fall out. There are two reasons for this: 1. Your breathing will be different, because of science things, and it’ll help you to have better orgasms, and 2. Your brain will hear you go [sex noise], think, “Oh! A sex-related sensory input! It’s sex time!” and increase your physiological arousal some more. Plus, it’ll make you less self-conscious about your noises if you have partnered sex – but this isn’t about partnered sex! This is about how to seduce yourself, because you’re worth it.

In the end, during that really nice wank, I had two or three orgasms (one of them was a borderline one, and I don’t care whether it was a “real” orgasm or not because it felt fucking incredible either way). I also had a really good nap afterwards, and I woke up glowing, not just because of the brain chemicals you get from wanking, but also because I had spent half an hour or so before my nap saying to myself, repeatedly, through my actions, that I deserved to feel good. I couldn’t not-share some of my secrets with y’all, given how crazy times are, and I hope you take them and use them for good. And if you have any other tips on how to seduce yourself, I’m all ears! (There’s only so much money I can spend on Nutella.)

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Aftercare 201

Image of a slice of Victoria sponge cake on a small plate and a glass of water, both on a wooden table

One of the first things that you hear about when you start to research kink is aftercare – and quite rightly, because it’s important for tops and bottoms alike. Unfortunately, you tend to hear the same aftercare advice regurgitated over and over, and it’s not always applicable to you, your partner, or the scene you’ve just done.

This post is, in essence, a self-serving rant about the bits of aftercare wisdom that I have found are not universally applicable, and need to stop being touted as such. If these work for you, great – but if they don’t, you might find my get-arounds helpful.

1. Snacks

So many kinksters and educators will tell you that aftercare should involve snacks, or at least a sugary beverage, to boost blood sugar after an endorphin-y rollercoaster. This is all well and good, except for the fact that I have a barely-suppressed eating disorder. When I’m feeling shaken-up, fragile, self-conscious or otherwise emotionally naked (in addition to being actually naked), I don’t want to eat, or think about eating, or be seen eating.

Blood sugar is an important thing to account for, especially for scenes that are more intense, but having anything with calories in it immediately after a scene is more distressing than it’s worth for me. To get around this, I eat before scenes, and if I have anything intense planned then I make sure I’ve had at least one full meal and plenty of water. I also tell people I’m sleeping with that that’s the case, so they don’t offer me food immediately after a scene and I don’t feel churlish in refusing it. And, once I’m starting to drop and I’m wrapped up in a blanket and feeling less hugely self-conscious, I might be able to manage some chocolate.

2. Cuddles

All my sensory experiences are heightened because of the ol’ autism. This means that scenes can be super intense and super awesome, but it also means that I have a lot of sensory overwhelm to deal with when a scene comes to an end. People who don’t experience sensory overwhelm to the same degree as I do can struggle to understand this, so let me make it clear: cuddles are overwhelming, because cuddles are sensory input.

Sometimes neurotypical people take this personally, so I do really want to stress that it’s not. Any cuddle, regardless of how loving and how expertly conducted it is, is overwhelming because it’s a sensory experience. If you’re cuddling me, you’re touching me. If you’re touching me, there is always a chance you’re overwhelming me, no matter how much I adore you. In a lot of situations, I can communicate this overwhelm, but when I’m in subspace… well, good luck.

The main way I deal with this is to account for it. I call a scene to an end whilst I still have a little bit of sensory energy left, so that if my partner(s) needs a cuddle, I can deliver one without completely and utterly melting down.

3. Debrief immediately after the scene

This is such a good idea for most people and most scenes… but for me, specifically, it isn’t. I tend to lose my mouth-words as soon as I’m remotely overstimulated, so trying to discuss a scene is not only useless, but potentially hugely frustrating and miserable for everybody involved.

Again, if my partner needs to debrief very soon after a scene, and they let me know that beforehand, I can set aside some spoons to make sure that they get what they need. (Tops and/or dominants need aftercare as much as bottoms and/or submissives do, but I don’t top very often, and every top is different anyway, so I can’t tell you what you/your top might need.) This only works, though, if I know in advance that they need an immediate or near-immediate debrief; otherwise, they’ll need to wait, and/or debrief with somebody else whilst I recover from overwhelm.

Sometimes I can participate in a debrief over a messaging app, especially if I have some residual spoons to hand, and sometimes I’m barely overwhelmed at all and can debrief immediately.

I would still recommend that if debriefing immediately after a scene is something you need, you mention it to your partner as part of your negotiations before the scene takes place. Maybe they’re some flavour of neurodivergent, or maybe their experience of subspace just renders them incapable of coherent conversation for an unpredictable period of time; either way, you should make sure that y’all have a strategy in case your debriefing (and, more broadly, communication) styles don’t align perfectly.

The takeaway, naturally, is to discuss aftercare as a part of your pre-scene negotiations so that you and your partner can plan ahead. But these are the most common things I hear newbies being told about aftercare, so they’re the ones I wanted to address, with the moral of the story being that you can’t and shouldn’t assume what another person needs after any kind of sex or scene.

As always: communicate with your partner(s), be respectful, and look after yourselves!