I realise that it’s only the 22nd of December and Christmas hasn’t even happened yet, but we explored just last week why Christmas does not inspire horny blog content in me, so I figured instead I could think ahead a little to the new year: specifically, to the New Year’s Resolutions I might make regarding sex and kink.
A couple of Decembers ago, I firmly resolved that 2017 would be the year in which I’d get fisted. A number of factors prevented this, including significant blows to my ability to trust people, the intimidating hand size of one of the few partners I did trust, and a heightened inability to relax any parts of my body least of all my genitals. When I ended the year only having achieved a measly six (thick) fingers in my vagina at once, sans the palm of a hand, I was devastated.
Six fingers is an insane accomplishment! But because it wasn’t within the framework of the task I’d set myself, I was disappointed and self-critical. I lean towards that pattern of thought and self-talk at the best of times, but sex and kink are a. extraordinarily vulnerable and b. my thing, so I’m that bit more prone to responding to my perceived “failures” in ways that are as non-constructive as they are misery-inducing. With this in mind, I’m keeping these resolutions as nonspecific as possible, so that I don’t have any concrete metrics by which to judge my own “successes” or “failures”.
- Wank more. I tweeted about the creation of my Wank Journal, wherein I’ll be cataloguing and celebrating all the wanks I have. At present, trauma and depression have alienated me from my body and I’m still working through a lot of the terror I experience regarding my own arousal (especially when it’s “purposeless”, i.e. not for the consumption of a partner), so I wank once in a blue moon, and sometimes dissociate during or after the process. In 2019, I hope to wank just a little more often and a lot more enjoyably, and I’m hoping that my (super pretty) Wank Journal will help motivate me to do that.
- Explore my dominant/toppy side. As I unpacked in my piece on why bratty bottoms scare the shit out of me, I identified solely as a dom and then as a switch for a large part of my kinky life, but let that facet of my identity fall to the wayside as a result of Impostor Syndrome. I’d like to experiment with service topping, but I’d also like to dabble a little more with power exchange. Being called “Sir”, “Miss” and “Daddy” makes my dick real hard, and we all deserve hard dicks after the dumpster fire that was 2018.
- Lean into the kinks I feel the most shame about. “But Morgan,” I hear you whispering to your monitor/tablet/phone screen, “you are beyond shame! Your tits are on Twitter! You’ve blogged about ageplay and watersports! Which kinks, pray tell, evoke shame even in your own slutty heart?!” But the thing is that kink is weird, and brains make very little sense. I got into DD/lg roleplay when I was 16, but admitting I have kink feelings around feet makes me feel like my insides are curdling. It might be the relative newness of the kink, the intensity of the feelings it draws up in me, or some nebulous combination of factors… but my foot thing makes me squirm. I don’t think there’s any problem with more squirming in 2019.
- Do more S&M, more rope and more butt stuff. I’ve bundled these three in together because the reasons that I’m resolving to do more of them are largely the same. In all three cases, I find myself leaving these activities on a back burner because I’m too tired, feeling unattractive, worried I’m not in the right headspace, and often can’t be bothered. In 2019 I would like to be bothered; I think it’s high time I sent myself the message that my pleasure is worth time, effort and even money, as long as it’s pleasure I want, rather than pleasure I’m pressing myself to seek. Butt stuff in particular I dismiss as being “too much effort”, but every time I do it I conclude that it was worth it – so I’d like to spend 2019 proving to myself that there’s no such thing as “too much effort” when it comes to enjoying my body.
There are a lot more measurable aspirations I kinda-sorta have (get fucked in the butt! Finally get fisted! Do an inverted suspension!) but that I will not set as 2019 goals, because I’m going to use 2019 as a year of recovering, being kind to myself and reconnecting with my body and my sexuality.
What do your sex and/or kink resolutions for 2019 look like? Are they measurable, or more vague? Let me know in the comments!