Paws for Thought: How Does Pupspace Feel For Me?

A selfie of me, Morgan, a white nonbinary human with facial piercings, with a filter over it which gives me a little black nose, whiskers and glasses, to emulate puppy play and also as an excuse to make you look at my face.

I used to be sort of intimidated by the notion of puppy play. Like many people, when I first encountered it, I saw images of people in leather hoods, with their hands bound up in mitts to imitate paws, and I felt disconnected from the notion of being a pup. It didn’t help that so much of the imagery I saw only featured cis gay men, either – it seemed, from the outside, more like a leather community subsection than a kink in its own right.

Unbeknownst to me, though, I’d already been doing bits of puppy play in my everyday life. My friends loved to fuss my head and ask, “Who’s a good Morgan?” to witness my excited response, wherein I would flap my autistic little hands and proclaim, “I am! I’m a good Morgan!” I responded to my dominant partner at the time whistling to get my attention. I loved to follow orders (naturally) and to chew on things. I already was a pup – I just didn’t know it yet.

Being a puppy, for me, is akin to being in littlespace in that it’s very sensory-seeking and it feels very self-indulgent, but it’s a touch more primal. Little-Morgan will follow instructions because they want to be good, and because they don’t really have a reason not to, whereas Puppy-Morgan will follow instructions as a result of some instinctive drive to submit (and to obtain head pets). Little-Morgan will engage with sex stuff because a grown-up told them to and they’re an anxious-preoccupied people-pleaser, whereas Puppy-Morgan has the sex drive of, you know, an animal. (Incidentally, humping a wand vibrator is the number one way that I get myself off, and there is something deeply animalistic about humping things.) When I’m in pupspace, there is no logic or self-doubt or apprehension between myself and what I want. Pupspace is an unapologetically horny, impulsive, rowdy headspace for me.

With that said, though, it’s a bit trickier for me to access pupspace. That might be because it’s a little further removed from my ordinary headspace, or it might be as a result of some internalised shame – both because petplay is regarded as weird in a way that Daddy kinks, at the very least, are not, and because of the aforementioned disconnect I feel from other puppy players. I have no interest in dropping large sums of money on hoods and mitts (partly because they look like sensory hell for me) and I don’t feel connected to the cis gay male community, since I’m not cis, not male, and only “gay” in the nebulous, queer sense of the word. I still have a degree of Impostor Syndrome around my experiences of puppy play and pupspace, which is part of why I’m writing this – to reassure other puppy players that their way of engaging in puppy play “counts”, even if it doesn’t look like what other pups are doing.

There are a lot of ways I can pull myself into pupspace, especially with external help. I often have to ask permission to get onto the furniture, and having that permission denied and being forced to sit at my Daddy’s feet makes me feel very much like a pet, rather than a person. Head pets are always a good bet, too, but tummy rubs (on days that my eating disorder isn’t acting up too much) feel more pup-like to me and therefore more pupspace-inducing. Another great way to access and indulge in pupspace is through “training” – there are particular commands that Puppy-Morgan is learning, like “sit” and “paw”, and carrying those out successfully often earns me a puppy treat (note: in my case, these are usually things like Maltesers. Do not eat actual pet food, because it is bad for human tummies. Cadbury’s do some excellent, very dog-biscuit-esque treats called Joy Fills if you’re absolutely desperate for realism whilst you’re playing as a pup). I sometimes worry that maybe my need to induce pupspace, rather than falling into it naturally as I do with other headspaces, is a sign that I’m not really a pup, but logically, I think it’s obvious from my protective, playful nature and the joy that I access through pupspace that I was destined for puppy play. Plus, kinks don’t come with entry requirements! You don’t need gear to be a pup and you don’t need to play or feel any particular way. There are as many types of puppy players out there as there are actual breeds of dog, and you can play however you like as long as it’s consensual, risk-aware and fun.

(And, if you were wondering, I’m a miniature American Shepherd, and a damn cute one at that.)

This post is part of an ongoing project called the Headspace Miniseries, where I explore the different subtypes of subspace I experience. If you like this, share it around, look at my Patreon, and check out the other posts in the series – you know the drill!

Why I Love Analingus (Plus, Ass-Eating 4 Ways)

Stock black and white photo of a ring on top of a pale flower with many layers of petals, meant to euphemistically represent a butthole.

For the first three years of my sex life, I considered analingus a hard limit. In my Yes/No/Maybe list, I asserted that ass-eating was a ‘No’ unless there was a dental dam involved, regardless of whether I was giving or receiving – and, frankly, that boundary took the act off the table entirely, largely because neither me nor any of my partners could be arsed (winkwinknudgenudge) to acquire and use dental dams when we had already fluid-bonded in every other conceivable way. I knew that the chances of my partners selecting dam-covered analingus over another, less cumbersome and prep-heavy activity without a dam were slim to none, and I knew that some of them shared my anxieties about bacteria and, let’s face it, poop. So, for years, my diet was ass-free.

On the other hand, I loved (and love) butts and buttholes, and I had (and have) a passion for trying All The Things™ relating to sex and kink. When I started dating someone with as strong a love for butts and butt-related activites as my own, I naturally started doing more in the way of butthole fingering, talking dirty about buttfucking (giving and receiving) and, when I got toppy during sexting sessions, asking for photos of this person’s butt with its cheeks spread, which they happily delivered.

Eventually, this partner and I ended up in my shower together. It was near the end of a long weekend of fucking, and we were horny but also exhausted (and my pussy and jaw both ached in different ways, neither of which were the pleasant S&M-y way). I’d seen this person’s cute butthole a number of times over that weekend; we were in the shower, so my fears about bacteria and unintentional scat play were as allayed as they were ever going to be; we’d talked about rimming and established that it was something my partner was curious about, and, increasingly, that I was interested in too…

So I ordered my partner to face the wall and bend a little at the waist, and the rest is history.

I took to it like a duck to water. By this point in my sexual journey, I’d had a fair bit of practice when it came to eating pussy, but this was like cunnilingus on Hard Mode: buttcheeks clashed with my face cheeks, I had to push my tongue so far out of my mouth that my frenulum snagged on my teeth if I wasn’t careful, and buttholes don’t get erect, so there wasn’t as much “PUT TONGUE HERE”-type tactile feedback as there would be with a clitoris. And I loved the challenge of it. I loved the sensation of burying my whole face in an attractive butt and I loved the sense of working hard to pleasure my partner. I even came to love the specific texture of a butthole against my tongue and the taste and scent of a clean (or maybe slightly sweaty) buttcrack.

And, as I experimented further with it, I loved the ways that you could use analingus in play. Here are some tried and tested ways of marrying power play to ass-eating that you can experiment with and build on if you are, like I was, a complete rimming newbie:

  1. When you’re domming and you’re giving analingus, you can use it to humiliate. In between broad licks, you can say things like, “You’re so fucking slutty you’ll even let me put my tongue in your ass. Look how desperate you are for me to lick you, on all fours like a goddamn animal. Do you want my tongue back in your ass, bitch?” (providing those are all things that your sub consents to you saying). You’ve got them bent over in some fashion, so you can, if you’re feeling mean, slap or punch or even bite their buttcheeks, then coo pseudo-sympathetically and offer to “kiss it better” before returning your mouth to their anus.
  2. When you’re domming and you’re receiving analingus, the potential for humiliation is amazing: “You’re really willing to lick my asshole, you disgusting slut? You really would do anything to please me, wouldn’t you, you pathetic little thing?” Plus, you can push your butt further into your sub’s face, or even sit on it (carefully!) to add an element of breath play into the scene, and you’ve still got both hands free for touching your genitals or – if you’re a mean and indifferent dom(me) – checking Twitter.
  3. When you’re subbing and you’re giving analingus, you can get right in there and work hard at proving your devotion to your dom(me). You can use your hands to touch their genitals, or even your own – but I’d advise that you get permission first, otherwise you might find that they confiscate their asshole from until you can be more restrained.
  4. When you’re subbing and you’re receiving analingus, you’re letting your dom(me) put their tongue somewhere super intimate, and that can create a wonderful feeling of vulnerability and surrender. You could wiggle your buttcheeks adorably and desperately if they’re meanly keeping their tongue mostly still, and again, if you have permission or you’re feeling brave, you could use your hands on your own junk or on your dom(me).

Ultimately, analingus is like any sex act: versatile, enjoyable and only gross if you make it that way for kink purposes. Putting aside my (only partially-founded) anxieties to try it out led me on some incredible sexcapades like those described above, so as well as being titillating, I hope that this post inspires you to do something you’re excited to try, but slightly scared about – as long as you do your research, mitigate any risks and make an informed choice about it! <3

“Honey, You Need To Piss On Me More”: Templates For Talking About Kink

Being autistic has a huge, variable impact upon my communication skills.

Being anxious exacerbates this, but too often I neglect to have crucial conversations with people because I don’t know how to start. It’s hard to parse how much of the problem is rooted in autism stuff and how much is rooted in anxiety stuff, but I’ve always struggled with task initiation. I also struggle with expressing myself accurately and thoroughly, and I’m an absolute fucker for that autistic thing where you think that somebody knows something simply because it’s obvious to you. (Because everyone’s brain works exactly like mine, right?)

Fortunately, kink makes a lot of communication unavoidable for me. The first piece of advice any budding kinkster receives is usually, ‘Do your research,’ and upon doing said research, they find that the second tip is nearly always, ‘Communicate, a lot.’ Any partner who doesn’t want to hear about your thoughts, feelings, needs and boundaries – relating to sex, kink and life at large – is not a partner you want to keep around.

So, regardless of my reluctance to be ‘needy’ and all the autism things that make it hard for me to hold a conversation, I have found workarounds that make it easy (or at least, easier) to talk to partners about kink. One of them is using meta-communication strategies, voicing my anxiety so my partner(s) can understand why I might be stammering and hiding behind my blankie while I suggest a watersports scene. And others are a little more suited to people afraid of being direct:

Method #1: Blame somebody else

Sometimes, the scariest part of communicating about kink is just conveying the concept accurately to your partner without them thinking you’re super fucking weird. (It’s okay if you are super fucking weird, but I understand that a lot of people are anxious, especially in the early stages of a relationship, about the impression their partner is forming of them.)

So I hereby grant you permission to make it my fault.

Lots of sex educators say similar things, so you can pick from a bunch of ’em. Some ways to open this sort of conversation include:

“A friend of a friend of mine has started a blog, it’s about kink stuff, and uh, they wrote a really interesting post about threesomes…”

“I was reading around about sex and autism, and this one person online mentioned their Daddy kink, and uh, I thought that was really fascinating…”

“I saw someone’s cute tote bag on the tram and I Googled the name of the podcast that was on it, and suddenly I was listening to two people talk about wearing butt plugs in everyday situations…”

It might turn out that your partner has been just waiting for you to bring a particular kink into conversation so that they can voice their enthusiasm for it to you. In these cases, they might react excitedly, telling you that they’re a big fan of whatever you’ve mentioned, or that they’ve always wanted to try it.

If they don’t respond this way, it’s either because they’re not getting the hint, or because they have no interest in the thing you’re namedropping. If they’re squicked by it, or have it as a hard limit, they’ll probably make that clear, by asking to stop talking about it, or by abruptly changing the subject. If your partner outright states that something is a boundary of theirs, you should definitely stop talking about it, and accept that you can’t do that sex or kink act with that particular person.

If trying to gauge their enthusiasm (or lack thereof) about a kink from just this seems like it’d be a challenge to you (since it relies on a number of nonverbal cues), there are a number of other ways to communicate more explicitly.

Method #2: Just outright be nerdy about it

There are a wealth of Yes/No/Maybe list templates out there. Plenty of people will be receptive to the idea of filling one out, together or separately, and then comparing them. I like having this kind of conversation over a messaging app, so that you can seemlessly integrate the link to the template into your message about it. Like so:

“Hey, I found this cool template for a document where you can list which sex things you’re interested in: I think it’d be really cool if we each filled it in and then swapped, so we have an idea of what’s on the table and what isn’t.”

If your partner doesn’t want to do this, it might be because they’re shy, in which case it might put them at ease to see yours first (because it’ll reassure them that most people have at least a couple of kinks). If your partner ‘forgets’ to fill theirs in after you’ve reminded them a few times, or if they state that they really don’t want to, it’s best to leave it, and let them talk to you about their sex and kink preferences in their own time (or maybe never).

Method #3: Slip it into sexting

It’s not respectful or consent-aware to turn a flirty or sexy conversation into one that’s about your specific kink if you’ve never checked that your partner is okay with the kink before. However, you can drop a kink briefly into a sexy conversation, and an ideal way to do this is to nestle it amongst other sexy things, so that your partner can just focus on those things if they’re not into the kink thing. For example:

You: I’d love it if you were riding me, slowly but so deep, and I could reach up, play with your nipples, maybe choke you, or grab your hips and help you to grind against me
Them: Ahh that’s hot, I love having my nipples played with! You could pinch them a little… and the hip-grabbing thing too, fuck

The hypothetical second person in that conversation expressed enthusiasm about the nipple play and the hip-grabbing, but completely neglected to mention the choking – so you can safely assume that they don’t want to talk or fantasise about them being choked at that particular juncture. If they don’t bring it up at any other point, you can probably draw the conclusion that being choked is not a kink of theirs.

Communicating about your wants and needs can be terrifying, but your partner can only say ‘no’ to anything you suggest. The best case scenario is, of course, that they’re as into the things you suggest as you are, and you have a grand ol’ time having safe and consensual sex and kink scenes.

The worst case scenario is that they’re judgmental and rude about your kinks, but in that case they’re probably kinda douchey anyway, and not somebody you need in your life.

Do any of y’all have any suggestions about communication methods and tools? I’d love to hear from you!