How To Seduce Yourself

Some red rose petals scattered across a white background, all romantic-like

I want to teach you guys how to seduce yourselves because the other day, I had the loveliest wank.

“Lovely” isn’t a word often used to describe wanks, because usually wanks are “sneaky” or “hot” or “dirty” or “rushed”. And all of those things can be enjoyable too, but this wank wasn’t primarily any of those. It was primarily lovely.

I’ve been coming off some medication that gave me hellishly bad restless legs, so I’ve been smoking weed to ease both the legs thing and the transition onto my new medication. This is relevant because Stoned Morgan, unlike Regular Morgan, actually likes being Morgan. They like being alive, they like experiencing sensory inputs and they like, well, wanking. The idea to have a stoned wank was not new to me, but as I was coming inside and shutting the back door after getting blazed, I resolved to have a nice wank. I took the last of the Nutella upstairs with me, with a teaspoon, and I took plenty of time making sure the toys I wanted were within arms’ reach and my trousers were not within leg-tangling reach. I played music. It was lovely.

How can you replicate this sort of loveliness in your own wanks? Well, it’s easy! You need to learn how to seduce yourself. Grabbing aftercare Nutella and taking my trousers off might not sound like seduction, but allow me to explain myself in the following four handy tips!

1. Take your time.

I love a quick, get-the-job-done wank as much as anybody, but sometimes the art of seduction requires a little extra time. There’s something uniquely peaceful about the moments you spend delicately exploring your labia before you touch your clit, or fluttering your fingertips along your shaft before you grab it. Don’t make it uncomfortable, though – if you’re just lying there, bored, thinking, “Why did Morgan tell me to wank in slow motion?” then by all means, speed things up! This is about your enjoyment, so take as much or as little time as you need.

2. Tailor your environment.

I’m not a porn person (largely because I cannot afford it, and refuse to steal from sex workers), but wanking in silence feels weird and uncomfortable – so, before my recent self-seduction, I slapped some tunes on via Spotify on my phone. You don’t need a special playlist of smooth jazz, or even anything overtly sexy; you just need to be relaxed, and happy to be in the space you’re in. For some people, this means pink mood lighting, and for others, it means sweeping the dirty laundry off the bed so you can lie down. However it looks for you, make sure you take the time to do it – it really does make a difference.

3. Take care of yourself afterwards.

Not only will performing self-aftercare teach your brain, over time, that wanking is an extra-nice hobby to have because it leads to chocolate and snuggles afterwards, but it’ll also put you in the right frame of mind for your lovely-wank endeavours. Bringing a jar of Nutella into bed with me was essentially me saying to myself, “I am a person who deserves nice things,” which made it all the easier to relax into the pleasant sensation of having my clit hammered by a Doxy wand – after all, I deserved it!

4. Make noises.

This one isn’t always possible for people who live with others, but when it is, fucking go for it! Make loud noises, make weird noises, make noises that make you think of that one boyfriend who told you that you sounded like a dying baby seal – just open up your throat and see what noises fall out. There are two reasons for this: 1. Your breathing will be different, because of science things, and it’ll help you to have better orgasms, and 2. Your brain will hear you go [sex noise], think, “Oh! A sex-related sensory input! It’s sex time!” and increase your physiological arousal some more. Plus, it’ll make you less self-conscious about your noises if you have partnered sex – but this isn’t about partnered sex! This is about how to seduce yourself, because you’re worth it.


In the end, during that really nice wank, I had two or three orgasms (one of them was a borderline one, and I don’t care whether it was a “real” orgasm or not because it felt fucking incredible either way). I also had a really good nap afterwards, and I woke up glowing, not just because of the brain chemicals you get from wanking, but also because I had spent half an hour or so before my nap saying to myself, repeatedly, through my actions, that I deserved to feel good. I couldn’t not-share some of my secrets with y’all, given how crazy times are, and I hope you take them and use them for good. And if you have any other tips on how to seduce yourself, I’m all ears! (There’s only so much money I can spend on Nutella.)


Want to help me buy more aftercare Nutella? Please consider supporting my work on Ko-Fi or Patreon

I Wrote Some Poetry About Sex

A close-up of some rope marks on a white person's (my) torso alongside a cute little mole, because choosing an image to represent the abstract concept of poetry about sex

Hey, folks! I’ve been having a really rough time with my mental health, and writing whole blog posts is a bit beyond me at the moment. However, apparently writing poetry (mostly while stoned) is not beyond me, so I wrote some poetry about sex. I’m really self-conscious about my poetry – even, like, the ridiculous poem I wrote about Christmas – so please be kind about it. And if poetry isn’t your thing, don’t worry, because I do have a few blog post ideas up my sleeve and I might one day soon have enough executive function to actually write and publish them.


how do you write poetry about people having sex?

 

how do you make magical someone 

(or maybe more than one someone) 

mashing their body against yours – 

 

or how do you speak that magic to strangers, 

without letting some of it be stolen by the breeze 

impossible to translate in its sweetness

 

how do you say, convincingly,

that even as the hot-wax-sting bit your skin

the flame on the candle was beautiful

 

or that feeling fingers stretch your cunt

felt so good, felt so fucking good

that when you came, you felt God 

 

how do you explain, fully,

that you bit her because you love her –

and she loves you in part because you bit her 

 

and that your bruises are like love notes

left liberally across your flesh

along with licks and kisses 

 

how can you replicate in words the dark glow of the dungeon

where you made half your closest friends

and where you once got choked half-unconscious

 

or the sound of cum hitting your skin, the heat of it

the heat of other people’s holes around your fingers

and the way their muscles tighten to hold your hand

 

how do you talk beautifully about the twitch of a dick in your mouth

the texture of someone’s scrotum under your tongue

and the melody of moans you can elicit with your lips

 

how do you bottle the lightning that arcs between you?

how do you capture the magic and the mess?

how do you write poetry about people having sex?

Kissing: The Devil Is In The Details

A lipstick kiss mark, from, you know, kissing

Welcome back to my new miniseries, The Devil Is In The Details! Last time, I went into unreasonable depth about cum – what I love about it, and about everything surrounding its production – and now, we’re taking a look at an oft-overlooked but extremely sexy aspect of fucking: kissing.

Not just kissing, of course – I’m also thinking of snogging (or, for the non-Brits in the audience, making out) and everything that entails. I’m thinking of the transition from bumping your dry lips together to opening your mouth and sharing spit. I’m thinking of the wet warmth of a tongue against my lower lip. I’m thinking of the sounds a person makes when I bite down on theirs.

Kissing is hot because it just is, but also because it serves as the spark that turns the dry kindling of want into the roaring flame of need, giving you fuel to grab a fistful of someone’s hair and yank on it. A good snog is the perfect time to try growling at me for the first time, while one hand grasps the back of my neck like I’m a misbehaving kitten and the other tries desperately to unbutton my jeans. It’s also a great time to shove a hard, unrelenting knee into the gap between my thighs, and to hold it there, perfectly still, while I start trying to grind my fully-clothed cunt against it.

You can kiss softly, gently, reverently, whilst you grab and twist my nipples. You can move from laying butterfly-soft kisses on my lips to laying them on my chin, cheeks, neck and collarbone, all while you drag your fingernails across my flesh so hard that I can’t hold back a whimper of pain and want. You can kiss every inch of my body, as long as you come back to my mouth sometimes. And when you do, you can stick to those soft, restrained kisses, and you can keep pulling your head away every time I try to tilt and kiss you more deeply – even if I let out a frustrated whine. No – especially if I let out a frustrated whine.

I also love aggressive kisses – the ones that go from 0 to 100 in the time it takes for me to process that we’re kissing. I love when someone abruptly decides that they want me now and jams their mouth against mine. I love opening up my mouth and having their whole tongue plunge in, slick and hot and desperate, like they’re trying to lick my uvula. Kisses like these ones should hurt my jaw a little, leave my lips feeling bruised from the force with which they were pressed into my teeth, and leave me dizzy and lustdrunk and thirsty for more. These kisses are well-suited for quickies, because they say, “We don’t have much time, and we need to do this now,” but they are equally well-suited for a long, exhausting, sweaty fuck, wherein they say, “I want you so badly I can barely see straight, and I am going to have you.”

Other kisses I like include the one I get after swallowing somebody’s cum, which can say, “You taste like my dick and I love that,” “You did an excellent job and I’m proud of you,” and/or, “I’m not finished with you yet.” These kisses are best served while I’m still on my knees, with you leaning down from above, forcing me to crane my neck up to meet your mouth. Maybe your fist is in my hair, or maybe it’s wrapped around my neck, cutting off my air supply because my breathing is secondary to your need to taste my mouth again. This is also a perfect time to kiss me tenderly, and then to mess with my head by holding my jaw open and spitting straight onto my tongue, just because you can.

But, if we’re talking about tender kissing, I also like the slow, soft kind of kiss that sometimes happens after sex, or first thing in the morning, when I’m in bed with someone and my hair is a mess. This one is a slowdance of lips, interrupted by gazing at each other’s faces with a blend of fondness and awe – a kiss that says, “God, you’re beautiful,” in between us saying the same thing out loud. This is the kind of kiss you share as aftercare, as a way to say, “We’ve just done some fucked up shit to each other, but only because we really like each other.” Those kisses feel like the warm bath of sunlight on my face, and I love them as much as all the other kinds of kisses – if not, secretly, just a little more.


The pandemic and subsequent lockdown that’s going on right now means that I’ve lost a lot of work opportunities (because every other fucker at my agency is snagging jobs before I can). If you also want to give me a birthday present four months early, consider buying me a coffee or commissioning transcripts or captions from me!