Six Sexy Ways to Spice Up Voting in the General Election Tomorrow

A stock photo of a black sign which says "Polling Station" in white text, presumably from some other General Election that was less terrifying than this one

I have to apologise to my non-UK-based readers for the topic of today’s blog post. It is, obviously, quite UK-centric, but the upcoming General Election is literally all I can think about. It is, unequivocally, a big fucking deal, and its results will impact me both as a disabled person and as a sex blogger (because if the Tories will insist upon mimicking the US when it comes to our healthcare service, I strongly suspect that they’ll also follow in the US’s footsteps with shit like SESTA/FOSTA). 

Still, a lot of these tips will be applicable to any voting situation. I hope they come in handy for y’all, and I also hope that they convince you to get out and vote, if you weren’t planning to already. After all, nothing’s sexier than democracy!

 

  1. Wear a butt plug/kegel balls to the polling station

The use of butt plugs or kegel balls is a great way to enrich any number of activities, stimulating your bits on the sneaky while you go about your day. Whether you’re walking, driving or using drastically underfunded public transit to get to your local polling station, having a toy inside you will provide you with some sexy tingles and serve as a pleasant distraction from any crushing General Election-related dread you may be experiencing.

 

2. Wear your sexiest underwear 

Do you want the thrill of having a sexy little secret to carry you through the turmoil that is this General Election, but you’re a little intimidated by leaving the house with an insertable sex toy inside of you? Wear some lingerie underneath your ordinary clothes! (This serves an additional purpose: if the Conservatives are voted back into power, you can get straight down to your local dungeon and get your sorrows beaten/fucked/etc. out of you, before the far right start pushing to make such venues illegal.)

 

3. Race your friends to the polls

Okay, so this one isn’t “spicy” in the Cosmo-sex-tips sense, but adding an edge of competition to your use of your democratic right to vote is a great way to get your heart pounding (much like the pounding that the NHS will take if the Tories are voted back into Parliament). Not convinced? Consider negotiating some sexy forfeits that whoever loses the race will have to perform – like being required to send nudes to the group chat, or taking a consensual beating. 

 

4. Bribe yourself with orgasms to get out and vote

If you promise yourself that you’ll have a really long, indulgent wank once you’re done voting, you can basically turn all of tomorrow into a deliciously long, drawn-out orgasm denial scene. The time you spend waiting to cast your vote so you can get home and come will be as agonising as the time I spent waiting for my PIP case to be overturned, and your orgasm will feel exactly like the dizzying relief I experienced when I realised I could afford to pay my rent and get some groceries.

 

5. Place sexy “bets” on your constituency

We’re always gambling with things that are entirely beyond our control in the UK (see: slot machines, Brexit), so why not also gamble on the results of the election? For example, you could promise to yourself or to another party that if your constituency ends up voting in the Labour Party, you’ll receive a consensual beating, but if they vote in the Conservatives, you won’t (because you might be receiving some non-consensual beatings once they recruit more police officers, create more prison places and empower the cops to perform more stop-and-search bullshit, anyhow!).

 

6. Vent nervous energy by using election materials as pervertibles

Are you fucking sick of receiving Tory propaganda through your letterbox? Have you had a Brexit Party leaflet thrust upon you whilst out and about? Are you about to vibrate out of your skin with anxiety about the impending election results, and in need of some physical activity to burn all that nervous energy off? Just stack all of these environmentally-impactful sheets of paper, roll them up tightly, and use this tube of paper as an impact implement! Just fucking swat somebody with the Conservative Party manifesto! It’s fine! Everything will be fine.


Want something slightly lighter and less hysterical-sounding to cleanse your palate? Try this piece of smut, or this cute post about the parts of my body I actually like. 

Parts of My Body I Actually Like

Two photos of Morgan's feet, one of xir favourite body parts, taken from underneath

Like a lot of people – especially AFAB people, and double-especially disabled AFAB people – I have a difficult relationship with my body. There are plenty of parts of it that I dislike (like my nose and my midriff), or that I resent (like my easily-scarred skin that results from the fucky connective tissue I’ve got, and my slightly bowed legs, a reminder that I spent most of puberty deliberately malnourishing myself). Then there are parts of my body with which I can only ever form an uneasy and conditional truce, like my boobs, which only look cute (in my opinion) when my nipples are erect, or my butt, which looks good from certain angles (again, in my opinion). Ideally, I’d like to reach a point where I feel neutral or great about all of my body parts, but I’m just not there yet.I am, however, far enough into my body confidence/body not-hating journey that I can write a whole photo-heavy blog post about the parts of my body I’m feeling good about. I hope y’all will enjoy them as much as I do! (I also hope you’ll be forgiving about my photography. I only have a smartphone camera to work with, and I have the spatial awareness of a drunk toddler.)

 

EARS

A photo of Morgan's ear, which has two piercings in it and is very cute

My ears are, I think, dainty and little. Sometimes, when I’m flirting with someone, I’ll invite them to feel how soft the skin on my earlobes is, because it’s just insanely fucking soft (probably because connective tissue science things). They’re also unreasonably erogenous – nibbling on them, kissing around them, breathing into them and so on will reduce me to a puddle in moments. Plus, they’re great places to get piercings in, for those times when I sort of crave a new piercing but don’t want to commit to anything super visible.

 

FEET (Undersides)

Two photos of Morgan's feet, taken from underneath

I have mixed feelings about my feet as a whole, because I think I have weirdly long, skinny toes – but from underneath, you can’t really tell! All you can see is a delicately arched foot! They’re adorable! (Also, I like my feet from a practical perspective – they endure a lot of walking and stomping and being sat on when I cross my legs, and I appreciate their resilience as well as their cuteness.)

 

EYELASHES

Side-by-side closeups of Morgan's eye, one with a closed eye and one open. Xir eyelashes are thick, long and dark

So it turns out that it’s really tricky to photograph one’s own eyelashes, but I did my best. My eyelashes have always been long and dark, meaning that I have probably saved a fortune over the years in mascara (or eyelash extensions, or tinting, or whatever the kids are doing to their eyelashes these days).

 

THESE COOL MOLES THAT MAKE UP ORION’S BELT

An image of the side of Morgan's torso, showing three moles and also some sideboob. A purple line has been drawn to connect the dots and make Orion's Belt

Need I say more? (I will say more: Orion’s Belt is the first constellation I learned to reliably spot, and I think it’s extremely cool that I have it on my body. We’re all made up of stardust, and these moles remind me of that. They also remind me that I am a huge nerd.)

 

MOUTH & TEETH

Two shots of Morgan's mouth - one where xir mouth is closed, and one in which xe is smiling, so you can see xir teeth

I have nice lips. They do nice things to people sometimes. They’re soft and pretty and a good place to put lipstick. I also have cute front teeth, including remarkably sharp canines which help me get into packaging and destroy stim toys.

 

VULVA

Morgan's shaved vulva, with xir hands either side

I posted on Twitter about disliking my asymmetrical labia minora when I was younger, but now I regard the asymmetry as both natural and very cute. (I’m also fascinated by how it’s the left side that’s bigger, and my left boob is also my bigger boob. Is there a connection?) I’ve never seen a vulva I didn’t love, so maybe including mine in this list is something of a cop out, but I like its proportions and colouring and the fact that my clitoral hood is so protective of my clit.


This post feels weirdly vulnerable. As humans, and especially as marginalised humans, we’re taught not to brag about anything, especially not our bodies – but that’s bullshit, because human bodies are beautiful and we should be excited about the ones we live in!

The Secret Sixth Love Language: Please Promote My Posts

A dark pink on light pink version of Twitter's Retweet icon, to encourage you to share my sex blog with your friends!

This post is part of Mx Nillin’s Blogger Love Language prompt. Make sure to go give some of the other bloggers using this some love!


Y’all probably know that I love meta-communication and communication frameworks (like the scripts I suggested for talking to your partner about kink – click here). I’m getting really good at saying, “Tell me I’m cute!” or, “I could use some reassurance that you don’t intend to replace me,” and giving the people in my life the ability to support me, because they want to support me and they’re not psychic. After a whole lot of work in therapy about whether or not I am “a pain in the arse” (apparently I’m not), I’ve come to realise that making these requests is actually a nice thing to do for people who love me, and not a big ol’ inconvenience, because I’m just supplying them with information, and they can use that information to reach any personal goals they have which are attached to looking after me.

One way to supply people with that information quickly and easily is to use an existing, well-known framework. One such framework would be the five “love languages”, five categories of actions that people commonly use to express affection. They are, in short: gift-giving or -receiving; physical touch; sharing quality time; words of affirmation, and acts of service. If both you and the person you’re communicating with are familiar with, you can just say, “Oh, my primary love language for receiving is words of affirmation,” as a useful shorthand for, “I’m most likely to understand and accept that you’re expressing affection and the notion that I’m a worthwhile human being if you say nice things to or about me, rather than other things like buying me presents.” It’s a brilliant framework to have available.

Its brilliance is one of the reasons I’m excited about Mx Nillin’s blogging prompt. Using the existing love languages means that you can communicate the foundation of your methods for receiving love really quickly, leaving you with plenty of words to discuss the finer details. Making a meme of it means that people feel permitted to ask for the support that they want or need, because as sex bloggers and as people in an online space, we often feel like asking for support gives an impression of desperation, sell-outy-ness, spamminess and/or arrogance. I’m really glad that Mx Nillin has created a space specifically for us sex bloggers to state what kind of love we benefit the most from, and I’m excited to learn about the love my peers would like to receive.

With all that said, I am going to be an awkward little bastard and state that, actually, in the world of blogging specifically, the best way to love me and my work doesn’t slot neatly into any of the five love languages. The thing that gives me the BIGGEST warm fuzzies every time isn’t words of affirmation (like a comment) or gifts (like Patreon pledges), it’s sharing. Retweeting, linking to or mentioning my work on social media will make me squeal, out loud with my actual mouth, every single time.

I guess that the sharing part is an act of service, and when you link to my work, you might pair it with some words of affirmation – but, ultimately, it’s affirming in and of itself. You’re telling me, “I thought your stuff was worthwhile enough to show other human beings.” You’re also telling me, “I thought your stuff was worthwhile enough to press at least one additional button on my phone or computer.” Knowing that a reader thinks my work might move people, help people and/or titillate people feels like a step up from just knowing that they themselves enjoyed it, and it makes blogging feel like more than a self-indulgent hobby. If people think my work is important enough to share, I feel like it’s important enough to persevere with – even if I’m panicking about the end of the fucking world.

I wanted to get the whole “share my shit” thing out there because I think it’ll ring true for a lot of bloggers, but they might not feel “allowed” to state that it’s their blogging love language, either because it falls outside of the original five or because it seems demanding, cheeky or otherwise unreasonable. I wanted to break the ice early in September and grant other people space to say, “Hey, actually, share my things, please,” in part as a way to pay forward the awesome thing that Mx Nillin has done for our community in creating and hosting this meme on their own blog. Go and show them some love, too!

A badge made by Mx Nillin that says "Blogger Love Language" in a nice cursive font. In the background there are two chat-style bubbles, one blue and one green, each containing a love heart. The rest of the background is pastel pink and features a link to Mx Nillin's site, www.mxnillin.com


Want to help me write more, sleep more and buy more sex toys? Support me on Patreon, and maybe share the link with your friends and followers – it’s quick, easy and makes me smile!