How To Seduce Yourself

I want to teach you guys how to seduce yourselves because the other day, I had the loveliest wank.

“Lovely” isn’t a word often used to describe wanks, because usually wanks are “sneaky” or “hot” or “dirty” or “rushed”. And all of those things can be enjoyable too, but this wank wasn’t primarily any of those. It was primarily lovely.

I’ve been coming off some medication that gave me hellishly bad restless legs, so I’ve been smoking weed to ease both the legs thing and the transition onto my new medication. This is relevant because Stoned Morgan, unlike Regular Morgan, actually likes being Morgan. They like being alive, they like experiencing sensory inputs and they like, well, wanking. The idea to have a stoned wank was not new to me, but as I was coming inside and shutting the back door after getting blazed, I resolved to have a nice wank. I took the last of the Nutella upstairs with me, with a teaspoon, and I took plenty of time making sure the toys I wanted were within arms’ reach and my trousers were not within leg-tangling reach. I played music. It was lovely.

How can you replicate this sort of loveliness in your own wanks? Well, it’s easy! You need to learn how to seduce yourself. Grabbing aftercare Nutella and taking my trousers off might not sound like seduction, but allow me to explain myself in the following four handy tips!

1. Take your time.

I love a quick, get-the-job-done wank as much as anybody, but sometimes the art of seduction requires a little extra time. There’s something uniquely peaceful about the moments you spend delicately exploring your labia before you touch your clit, or fluttering your fingertips along your shaft before you grab it. Don’t make it uncomfortable, though – if you’re just lying there, bored, thinking, “Why did Morgan tell me to wank in slow motion?” then by all means, speed things up! This is about your enjoyment, so take as much or as little time as you need.

2. Tailor your environment.

I’m not a porn person (largely because I cannot afford it, and refuse to steal from sex workers), but wanking in silence feels weird and uncomfortable – so, before my recent self-seduction, I slapped some tunes on via Spotify on my phone. You don’t need a special playlist of smooth jazz, or even anything overtly sexy; you just need to be relaxed, and happy to be in the space you’re in. For some people, this means pink mood lighting, and for others, it means sweeping the dirty laundry off the bed so you can lie down. However it looks for you, make sure you take the time to do it – it really does make a difference.

3. Take care of yourself afterwards.

Not only will performing self-aftercare teach your brain, over time, that wanking is an extra-nice hobby to have because it leads to chocolate and snuggles afterwards, but it’ll also put you in the right frame of mind for your lovely-wank endeavours. Bringing a jar of Nutella into bed with me was essentially me saying to myself, “I am a person who deserves nice things,” which made it all the easier to relax into the pleasant sensation of having my clit hammered by a Doxy wand – after all, I deserved it!

4. Make noises.

This one isn’t always possible for people who live with others, but when it is, fucking go for it! Make loud noises, make weird noises, make noises that make you think of that one boyfriend who told you that you sounded like a dying baby seal – just open up your throat and see what noises fall out. There are two reasons for this: 1. Your breathing will be different, because of science things, and it’ll help you to have better orgasms, and 2. Your brain will hear you go [sex noise], think, “Oh! A sex-related sensory input! It’s sex time!” and increase your physiological arousal some more. Plus, it’ll make you less self-conscious about your noises if you have partnered sex – but this isn’t about partnered sex! This is about how to seduce yourself, because you’re worth it.


In the end, during that really nice wank, I had two or three orgasms (one of them was a borderline one, and I don’t care whether it was a “real” orgasm or not because it felt fucking incredible either way). I also had a really good nap afterwards, and I woke up glowing, not just because of the brain chemicals you get from wanking, but also because I had spent half an hour or so before my nap saying to myself, repeatedly, through my actions, that I deserved to feel good. I couldn’t not-share some of my secrets with y’all, given how crazy times are, and I hope you take them and use them for good. And if you have any other tips on how to seduce yourself, I’m all ears! (There’s only so much money I can spend on Nutella.)


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