I have to apologise to my non-UK-based readers for the topic of today’s blog post. It is, obviously, quite UK-centric, but the upcoming General Election is literally all I can think about. It is, unequivocally, a big fucking deal, and its results will impact me both as a disabled person and as a sex blogger (because if the Tories will insist upon mimicking the US when it comes to our healthcare service, I strongly suspect that they’ll also follow in the US’s footsteps with shit like SESTA/FOSTA).
Still, a lot of these tips will be applicable to any voting situation. I hope they come in handy for y’all, and I also hope that they convince you to get out and vote, if you weren’t planning to already. After all, nothing’s sexier than democracy!
- Wear a butt plug/kegel balls to the polling station
The use of butt plugs or kegel balls is a great way to enrich any number of activities, stimulating your bits on the sneaky while you go about your day. Whether you’re walking, driving or using drastically underfunded public transit to get to your local polling station, having a toy inside you will provide you with some sexy tingles and serve as a pleasant distraction from any crushing General Election-related dread you may be experiencing.
2. Wear your sexiest underwear
Do you want the thrill of having a sexy little secret to carry you through the turmoil that is this General Election, but you’re a little intimidated by leaving the house with an insertable sex toy inside of you? Wear some lingerie underneath your ordinary clothes! (This serves an additional purpose: if the Conservatives are voted back into power, you can get straight down to your local dungeon and get your sorrows beaten/fucked/etc. out of you, before the far right start pushing to make such venues illegal.)
3. Race your friends to the polls
Okay, so this one isn’t “spicy” in the Cosmo-sex-tips sense, but adding an edge of competition to your use of your democratic right to vote is a great way to get your heart pounding (much like the pounding that the NHS will take if the Tories are voted back into Parliament). Not convinced? Consider negotiating some sexy forfeits that whoever loses the race will have to perform – like being required to send nudes to the group chat, or taking a consensual beating.
4. Bribe yourself with orgasms to get out and vote
If you promise yourself that you’ll have a really long, indulgent wank once you’re done voting, you can basically turn all of tomorrow into a deliciously long, drawn-out orgasm denial scene. The time you spend waiting to cast your vote so you can get home and come will be as agonising as the time I spent waiting for my PIP case to be overturned, and your orgasm will feel exactly like the dizzying relief I experienced when I realised I could afford to pay my rent and get some groceries.
5. Place sexy “bets” on your constituency
We’re always gambling with things that are entirely beyond our control in the UK (see: slot machines, Brexit), so why not also gamble on the results of the election? For example, you could promise to yourself or to another party that if your constituency ends up voting in the Labour Party, you’ll receive a consensual beating, but if they vote in the Conservatives, you won’t (because you might be receiving some non-consensual beatings once they recruit more police officers, create more prison places and empower the cops to perform more stop-and-search bullshit, anyhow!).
6. Vent nervous energy by using election materials as pervertibles
Are you fucking sick of receiving Tory propaganda through your letterbox? Have you had a Brexit Party leaflet thrust upon you whilst out and about? Are you about to vibrate out of your skin with anxiety about the impending election results, and in need of some physical activity to burn all that nervous energy off? Just stack all of these environmentally-impactful sheets of paper, roll them up tightly, and use this tube of paper as an impact implement! Just fucking swat somebody with the Conservative Party manifesto! It’s fine! Everything will be fine.
Want something slightly lighter and less hysterical-sounding to cleanse your palate? Try this piece of smut, or this cute post about the parts of my body I actually like.