3 Misconceptions (and Corresponding Truths!) About Threesomes

Recently, whilst rereading my own old fanfiction (a masochistic practice in its own right), I came across an author’s note wherein I came out to my readers as bi and announced that I had a new girlfriend. At fourteen, already braced for biphobia and objectification, I asserted that, “No, I’ve never had a threesome and I never will.”

Fourteen-year-old Morgan was wrong, because nineteen- and twenty-year-old Morgan went on to have a lot of threesomes.

Fourteen-year-old Morgan also carried with them a host of misconceptions about the nature of threesomes, so I’ve decided to unpack a few of them here for y’all, in case you still hold them, or you know a fourteen-year-old fanfiction writer who does.
Misconception no. 1: Threesomes are “porny”.

I can’t think of a more refined way to phrase this notion – that a threesome will always be like the ones you see in mainstream porn, featuring two skinny, conventionally attractive cis girls worshipping the cock of a muscly, conventionally attractive cis dude. There’s usually an undercurrent of objectification (the patriarchal, unnegotiated kind, not the deliberately kinky kind), and the idea is that the dude in the scene is such a stud that he can “obtain” and pleasure two girls at once.

Obviously, some threesome setups do involve two cis girls focusing their attention on one cis guy, and they can be fun and hot (as long as they feature more communication and fewer jelly dildos than your average PornHub stock). But, if there are elements of “porniness” that put you off, there are ways to threesome without them. You can, in fact, bang two people at once without bad jazz playing in the background, and it is possible to fuck people without objectifying them – or with consensual, negotiated objectification roleplay.

Additionally, you can have threesomes that aren’t the typical FMF deal you’d find in bad mainstream porn. Which leads nicely onto the next point…
Misconception no. 2: Only bi/pan people can have threesomes.

First of all, hypothetical misconception-haver, you have overlooked one possibility: three people of the same gender all threesoming together. Just a big ol’ pile of boobs, if you’re a lesbian, or a cornucopia of cocks if you’re a gay dude. It is very possible to have a threesome wherein everyone involved identifies as gay.

Additionally, you can have a threesome that involves someone of the gender that you’re not attracted to without it magically making you bi or pan. I’d recommend you lay your metaphorical cards on the table very early on in pre-threesome discussions if that’s the case. For example, some girls won’t want to threesome with a straight girl and her partner; some people just plain don’t want to be in a sexual situation with somebody that can’t and won’t be sexually attracted to them. You have to give your potential threesome participants the chance to make an informed decision.

Assuming you’ve had a good ol’ communicative chat with the people you’re gonna bang, you have two options: to get sexual with the party you’re not attracted to, or to solely focus on the one you do fancy. Let me make one thing clear:

Touchin’ some genitals doesn’t make you bi.

Touchin’ some genitals doesn’t make you pan.

Touchin’ some genitals makes you this: a person who is touchin’ some genitals.

Maybe you finger a girl because your partner really wants to see you do that, and you’re not attracted to the girl (and have made her aware of this) but you enjoy having power over a person’s bits and turning your partner on.

Maybe you play with somebody’s dick because you’re spent, but you want to see a vagina-holding participant with jizz all over xir face.

Maybe you just interact with the person of the gender you’re attracted to, but having a third party in the room gives the whole scene a voyeuristic charge, and grants you a second pair of hands for anything that might need fetching, spanking, lubing, groping, etc.

Either way: people who are 100% straight or 100% gay can have amazing, fulfilling, incredibly filthy threesomes. The key is to be upfront and not a douchebag.

And, because I know firsthand what it’s like to feel insecure and Not Kinky Enough™, I would like to remind you: if you don’t want to have a threesome, with same-gender participants or with someone you don’t fancy involved, that’s fine too. I promise. And, if you have a threesome once and you hate it, it’s okay if you don’t do it again! There is an entire world of sex stuff to dabble in, and if you feel like threesomes and moresomes aren’t for you, you’re still Kinky Enough™ (whatever that actually means), you’re adventurous enough, and you’re entitled to your boundaries. Always.
Misconception no. 3: Threesomes are/are not as fun as they’re cracked up to be.

A two in one! This misconception has been cheekily slipped into a threesome article, but really, it’s applicable to so many sex/kink acts: the idea that you can glean – from porn, from other people’s shared experiences and from mainstream media portrayals – information about the inherent enjoyability of something without having done it.

Ya can’t.

Some people will insist that threesomes aren’t as great as porn etc. makes them out to be. There is a lot that porn doesn’t typically show us: you have to do twice the communication than for partnered sex, and with each added party, the chances of somebody getting elbowed in the face or headbutted by accident increases exponentially. Threesomes can be logistically tricky – where do I put my leg? How can I reach this person’s balls with my tongue? Where did we leave the goddamn aftercare snacks this time? – and I’d posit that a bad threesome is less enjoyable than bad partnered sex, simply because there are more potential points of failure.

People who rail against threesomes are usually speaking from personal experience, though sometimes they’re talking theoretically, because threesomes are a limit for them and they feel the need to justify it. They might be monogamously-inclined, they might be overwhelmed by the idea of more than one partner in a sexual situation, or they might have bought into the idea that a threesome is objectifying and misogynistic because of the threesomes you see in porn. They don’t owe you an explanation for their aversion to threesomes, but it’s worth considering that everybody’s life experiences are different, and it’s likely that you won’t feel the exact same about threesomes as this theoretical naysayer.

Conversely, you can’t assume a threesome is going to be awesome just because everyone says that they’re great. Like any other sex or kink thing, it depends on a huge number of nuanced factors: the people involved, the chemistry between those people, the headspace each participant is in, the location, etc. etc. forever. Mainstream porn is particularly bad for portraying threesomes as the height of cis male desire, but there are plenty of other places you might find threesomes put upon a pedestal.

The truth is, some threesomes are fucking brilliant, and some just aren’t.

Like any other sex experience (or sexperience… no? I’ll show myself out), a good threesome hinges on a combination of good chemistry and great communication. I’d recommend a group chat for pre-threesome negotiations, or at least all three of you meeting in a space that isn’t sexually charged, like a McDonald’s (unless one or more of you has a Big Mac kink, which is valid), and discussing Yes/No/Maybe lists, fantasies, triggers, barriers and STI statuses – at a minimum. The more y’all talk, the more you’ll get a read on your threeway compatibility, and (hopefully) the more excited you’ll all get about your upcoming shenanigans.


Have you had a threesome, or is it something you’re interested in? What other misconceptions do people hold about three-player adventures? I’d love to hear from y’all in the comments!

3 thoughts on “3 Misconceptions (and Corresponding Truths!) About Threesomes

  1. Had two threesomes with my now ex partner. Both with the same girl. She was a friend, and we tried to find a guy to join us for MMF but never found the right guy we clicked with.

    The first threesome was one of the single greatest sexual experiences in my life. The second not so much.

    I think one of the biggest issues with threesomes is the slut shaming that can go on. ‘Bro’ culture would make me a stud for having had two women at once. But that same culture would label my female ex a slut if we had found the right guy for a MMF. Its not fair. There should be no shaming of any participant in a consentual threesome, no matter what thea makeup of that threesome is.

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