My identity is complex, and multi-faceted. So much so that I feel it requires an entire blog post to unpack, and what better way to introduce myself to readers than to waffle relentlessly about who I am and what it means?
I’ll start with my name. It’s Morgan. That’s not my legal first name, but it is close enough to it to make this blog traceable back to other parts of my life. That’s fine – I’m getting more comfortable with being a sexual adult in the public eye. It’s a huge privilege of mine that I don’t need to be afraid of being blackmailed, of the consequences of living as my entire, authentic self. As a white person from a middle-class English background, I’m still working hard on an awareness of my privileges, and I intend to foster an environment where people can feel safe to correct and educate me when I inevitably overlook them.
As well as being indicative of my Welsh whiteness, Morgan is one of those names that isn’t traditionally attached to either of the (imaginary) binary genders. You get boys called Morgan and you get girls called Morgan. That’s not an accident; I’m nonbinary. Since I know some douchebag will ask: I was assigned female at birth, I have a factory-installed vagina and tits, and if you have any opinions about whether or not my gender identity is “real” then you can go elsewhere, ya fuck. Sometimes I’m sending nudes to everyone who consents to seeing them; other times I’m so dysphoric I can’t bear to shower. Obviously, this complicates my relationship to my body and my sexuality somethin’ fierce, but I manage to get naked often enough to write about it.
My gender identity is linked inextricably to another aspect of my identity: I’m autistic. That statement alone won’t make a great deal of sense to people who aren’t queer and autistic, but here’s the thing: gender is about people, how they perceive you, and what they deem to be acceptable and unacceptable ways to portray your gender. Autism is, by definition, about not understanding people, or at least about relating to them in atypical ways. My gender identity is a tapestry interwoven with my bi identity, my experiences of the patriarchy as an assigned female, and the shiny golden threads of not giving a fuck that my autism affords me. As such, I like to preface it in my introductions: “Hi, I’m Morgan, and I’m an autistic, queer enbie.” For this and a huge number of other reasons, I never use person-first language; I am not a “person with autism”, just like I’m not “a person with queerness”.
I am also a bunch of other kinds of disabled: I have depression, anxiety and a tiny sprinkling of psychosis, and I have some unidentified issue with my hypermobile joints that causes me varying amounts of pain and an inability to do any yoga safely. Surprisingly, this hasn’t stopped me from becoming a huge masochist with a fondness for psychology-based kink practices that play upon my anxieties – but I work hard on playing safely, both psychologically and physically.
I’m also a writer, and I’ve been itching to write on being a kinky autistic queer for a long time. I’ve learned firsthand the importance of hearing, in as many voices as possible, Other people feel this too. And I’m aware that there are lots of other kinky autistic queers out there (more on that another day, because there’s a tie between autism and kink too) who could do with hearing my voice. It’s difficult to find the spoons to write regularly and well, what with being multiply disabled, a full-time student, and somebody who wants to, y’know, pay my rent and not starve. Being a writer who can’t always write fucking sucks, but my drive is born of knowing that my voice matters, and wanting to encourage other people to believe the same of theirs.
There are lots of other aspects of my identity that weave in and out of those easier-to-label ones. I’m a sub-leaning switch who benefits hugely from the lifestyle Dom/sub dynamic I currently have with my Daddy dom; I’m polyamorous in a fluid sort of way that moves with my insecurities; I’m a slut with a burning enthusiasm for humiliation and edgeplay. And I’m a nerd, I’m a knitter, I’m somebody who stops in the middle of the street to pet dogs.
I plan on writing something for this blog at least once a week, but I also plan on being kind to myself if I can’t quite manage that. I intend to write about my experiences of kink, polyamory and sluttiness, and hopefully y’all will join me on this sexy, vulnerable journey.