This post is part of Mx Nillin’s Blogger Love Language prompt. Make sure to go give some of the other bloggers using this some love!
Y’all probably know that I love meta-communication and communication frameworks (like the scripts I suggested for talking to your partner about kink – click here). I’m getting really good at saying, “Tell me I’m cute!” or, “I could use some reassurance that you don’t intend to replace me,” and giving the people in my life the ability to support me, because they want to support me and they’re not psychic. After a whole lot of work in therapy about whether or not I am “a pain in the arse” (apparently I’m not), I’ve come to realise that making these requests is actually a nice thing to do for people who love me, and not a big ol’ inconvenience, because I’m just supplying them with information, and they can use that information to reach any personal goals they have which are attached to looking after me.
One way to supply people with that information quickly and easily is to use an existing, well-known framework. One such framework would be the five “love languages”, five categories of actions that people commonly use to express affection. They are, in short: gift-giving or -receiving; physical touch; sharing quality time; words of affirmation, and acts of service. If both you and the person you’re communicating with are familiar with, you can just say, “Oh, my primary love language for receiving is words of affirmation,” as a useful shorthand for, “I’m most likely to understand and accept that you’re expressing affection and the notion that I’m a worthwhile human being if you say nice things to or about me, rather than other things like buying me presents.” It’s a brilliant framework to have available.
Its brilliance is one of the reasons I’m excited about Mx Nillin’s blogging prompt. Using the existing love languages means that you can communicate the foundation of your methods for receiving love really quickly, leaving you with plenty of words to discuss the finer details. Making a meme of it means that people feel permitted to ask for the support that they want or need, because as sex bloggers and as people in an online space, we often feel like asking for support gives an impression of desperation, sell-outy-ness, spamminess and/or arrogance. I’m really glad that Mx Nillin has created a space specifically for us sex bloggers to state what kind of love we benefit the most from, and I’m excited to learn about the love my peers would like to receive.
With all that said, I am going to be an awkward little bastard and state that, actually, in the world of blogging specifically, the best way to love me and my work doesn’t slot neatly into any of the five love languages. The thing that gives me the BIGGEST warm fuzzies every time isn’t words of affirmation (like a comment) or gifts (like Patreon pledges), it’s sharing. Retweeting, linking to or mentioning my work on social media will make me squeal, out loud with my actual mouth, every single time.
I guess that the sharing part is an act of service, and when you link to my work, you might pair it with some words of affirmation – but, ultimately, it’s affirming in and of itself. You’re telling me, “I thought your stuff was worthwhile enough to show other human beings.” You’re also telling me, “I thought your stuff was worthwhile enough to press at least one additional button on my phone or computer.” Knowing that a reader thinks my work might move people, help people and/or titillate people feels like a step up from just knowing that they themselves enjoyed it, and it makes blogging feel like more than a self-indulgent hobby. If people think my work is important enough to share, I feel like it’s important enough to persevere with – even if I’m panicking about the end of the fucking world.
I wanted to get the whole “share my shit” thing out there because I think it’ll ring true for a lot of bloggers, but they might not feel “allowed” to state that it’s their blogging love language, either because it falls outside of the original five or because it seems demanding, cheeky or otherwise unreasonable. I wanted to break the ice early in September and grant other people space to say, “Hey, actually, share my things, please,” in part as a way to pay forward the awesome thing that Mx Nillin has done for our community in creating and hosting this meme on their own blog. Go and show them some love, too!
Want to help me write more, sleep more and buy more sex toys? Support me on Patreon, and maybe share the link with your friends and followers – it’s quick, easy and makes me smile!